Driving is one of my favorite things. Over the last month, I’ve found my car to be a very special place. Not solely for the solitude, but for the time I’m able to spend talking with my Dad.
Here’s a convo I had with Him when I moved down to Georgia:
“Hi Papa, I’m really frustrated that I haven’t found a job yet. I’ve applied to the Y, but haven’t heard anything. I tried getting down here early to settle in and find a job and help myself not get overwhelmed with all the change happening, but clearly you had other intentions. Can you please provide something? I need to pay my bills and would ideally love to be semi-stable financially. I know you’re good and will provide. Please help!”
I sat in my car, music off, tears rolling down my face in frustration and confusion. Silence. Minutes went by before I heard these words.
“Amanda, you haven’t asked me what I want. Just ask me.“
Now I’m actively weeping.
The next 15ish minutes looked like me laying my head on the steering wheel (I’m parked at this point), repenting.
Have I really been so blind? Was I really holding onto the wheel that tight?
He was so right. If you read my prayer again, you’ll notice a whole lot of “I’s” and not a lot of gratitude. I placed an unhealthy expectation of the Lord that He would provide what “I” wanted; rather what I thought I wanted. I filled out so many applications to places I thought would be good for me, but realistically were easy and convenient places to get hired. I didn’t really know what I wanted and I sure didn’t allow space for the Lord to show me His plan. It wasn’t until this very moment, the Lord opened my eyes to see my selfishness.
“Papa, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. All I want is more of you, Abba. You deserve all the honor and all the glory. I praise you! Papa, my life is yours. What do you want me to do? How can I partner with you by establishing Kingdom here on earth and here in Gainesville?”
“I want you to DoorDash.“
“Um, excuse me?”
[Okay, quick side note. I heard about DoorDash (a food delivery service, much like GrubHub and Uber Eats) from my aunt around Christmas time and thought it would be a quick and easy way to make a few bucks in the short few weeks home after alumni team leading and before heading down to Georgia. While waiting for interviews, I figured, “Why not start Dashing in Gainesville?”. Ironically enough, this conversation you’re reading was from my first night dashing in Gainesville and it wasn’t going super well aka not many people were ordering, which left me sitting in pure frustration and bitterness.]
There is so much insecurity and freedom in this job. I would be my own boss and could make my own hours which was nice, but there is literally no guarantee of bringing in any money each time I go out. In my brain, this made no sense. I was asking the Lord to provide a job, which He did, but instead of immediately looking at it as an opportunity to build Kingdom, I jumped straight to the fear of insecurity.
(internal dialogue)
“What if I didn’t make a penny for a week?”. “How was I supposed to afford groceries, let alone the gas it takes to drive around delivering food?”. “What if I fail and wind up bankrupt and not able to find another job?”. “How was I supposed to be the independent, financially secure, powerhouse of a woman I saw in my head?”.
These are all valid concerns, don’t get me wrong. But again, do you notice the number of I’s?
Then the Lord said this:
“Do you trust me?”
My gut reaction was to say yes, but solely because I knew that was the answer I “should” have. A “good” Christian always trusts God, right?
I wrestled with my truth and eventually had the courage to say:
“I want to want to, but God, this is a lot. No, I don’t fully trust you.”
Instead of a harsh response that I was expecting, I heard:
“I’m not asking you to do this alone. I want to do this with you. Invite me along. I’ll be right there with you. I will sustain your every need.“
“Papa, what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to use DoorDash as a way to spread my love. Meet people, pray for the food, enjoy communion with me as you drive. I know how much you love nature and worshiping me. Have fun with me. Enjoy the freedom I’m giving you.“
Hello, what?! Wow, thanks God! Deep breath. Okay, I’m in.
How much better could it get? God knows exactly what I need and has the best plan for my life. Why doubt and question it? Wow was I foolish to think my attempts at looking for a job would be better than what God had in store.
The Lord is asking me to take a HUGE step out of my comfort zone and actually rely fully on Him. Isn’t this what I asked for in life? I pray for challenges and against stagnancy, so it’s interesting that as He answers my prayers, I fight back.
It’s uncomfortable and scary and really really hard. So it does kinda makes sense. Blind faith is literally blind. You trust the unseen and believe good will come from the nothing that you see. You trust that the Creator of the world actually has the best plan laid out for you and is constantly inviting you to join Him in the journey.
I’m learning that there’s a difference in asking for provision and actually trusting in how He provides. The key here is trust.
It’s about partnership and solidarity. We weren’t created for disengagement and separation or to do life alone for that matter (that would suck!). The Lord wants to do life with us; His kids. We often move so fast and forget to bring Him along (not that that hinders Him from actually being present, but you know what I mean). We need to actually understand that our lives are not our own and everything we do and say should bring glory to God, not ourselves.
I’m learning to trust greater, deeper, and wider because I know how good my Dad is and how much He loves me. I’m practically inviting the Lord into my everyday by asking Him what He wants. “Do you want me to run right now?”, “Do you want me to work tonight?”, “Do you want me to eat that candy bar?”, “What do you want me to do in this hour of free time?”.
I’m experiencing so much joy and freedom in my constant communication with my heavenly Father. I’ve honestly never talked to Him this much throughout my day to day and oh my gosh why haven’t I?! It’s been so much fun!
So, I want to challenge you to ask the Lord what He wants and actually stop and listen to His response. It may sound absurd, but I promise it will be rewarding. He has the best intentions for your life and you can trust Him!
Thanks for tagging along with me as I journey the ever-winding road that is called life. I love you guys!
~A
